Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*