Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.