HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on