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A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
What?!?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym