Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????