Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Happy Taco Tuesday

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas