“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
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Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.