Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave