Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
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Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.