Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
these can’t be my only options
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“What movie?” 🤔
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I unironically love this joke.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it