Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
🤣
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY