Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Good morning ☺️
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir