Haikus are silly.
Why seventeen syllables?
Why not one less?
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Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level