Haikus are silly.
Why seventeen syllables?
Why not one less?
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Money is the root of all wealth
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Tell me you get it…🤣
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”