Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
You Might Also Like
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Your honor these allegations are
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it