Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5