Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips