Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Mornin

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

i just found this in my phone

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Cow it started Cow it’s going

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.