Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Why font matters.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.