Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

The police never think its as funny as you do.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared