Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

Every work call, he judges.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

At least he brought enough for everyone

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.