Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

I try

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.