Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Got a light

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

I will never stop laughing at this

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.