Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
📽️movie date🎞️
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT