Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.