Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

There’s always that one guy

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b