Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.