Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
lol
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture