Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.