Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
White Castle for the Win
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.