Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern