Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]