Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.