Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”