Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!