Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
thanksgiving in nutshell
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Meow
