Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
This is my emotional support knife.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.