Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy