Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to