Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.