Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
You Might Also Like
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
i’m sure it’s fine
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.