Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
You Might Also Like
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*looks at you in batman voice*
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.