Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.