Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.