Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality