Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀