Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

Saturday

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread