Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart![]()
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I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.