Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead