Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

Priorities

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.