Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Y’all ready for this
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.