When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?