@ElleOhHell

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

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@AnissaClingman

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

@MomOnFire

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”

@rcromwell4

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

@HpHubert

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

@MomOnFire

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

@sickipediabot

Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?