Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Don’t frighten the programmers!

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Ha.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

You know I’m something of a chef myself

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse