Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

He died doing what he loved: being alive

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.