Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.