“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face