“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.