Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
this came to me in a vision
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.