Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven