Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
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“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
me linking you to my twitter
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.