Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
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grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake