Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Howl 😭
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Drilling for oil is well boring.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.