Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

🍛

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife