Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.