Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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How wrong was this guy?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat