[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I ate everything, including the H.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.