[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
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My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me buying fruit and veg
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never