Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
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“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?